I am not the most likable individual, and somehow I get the idea why. I am short-tempered, and I quickly get out of control every time I am upset. Sometimes when people around me tend to irritate me, I feel different. It is as if I can grow hatred in a short span of time. Honestly, I thought all of it was part of my personality. I tried validating my character and use my upbringing and environment as an excuse. However, after knowing that something out of my usual understanding is affecting my behavior, I snapped. I never entirely thought a mental health issue is a reason why I am misbehaving.
With Uncontrollable Anger
For those people who knew me, they are used to my attitude. Sometimes, they tend to ignore me because they thought it was only part of a tantrum. In some cases, their avoidance worked miraculously. But often, the more they ignore me, the more agitated I get. And when I am at the stage where I want their full attention, but they are not giving it to me, I go ballistic. I always felt like I am about to explode. In some worse cases, especially in public places, I often make a scene. I am not proud of it or anything, but I cannot contain the weight of my anger. I can’t control it even if I knew it could get me in trouble. I believed all of that was part of my strong personality. I thought of it as a positive trait that can make people aware of the things I can do. But boy, I never knew it was never that way.
Physically And Emotionally Abusive
I am sorry for this because I know it is the worst behavior someone could have. Unfortunately, I belong to the few who are physically abusive. It is by nature as what others say about me. Perhaps they thought it was part of my personality since I grew up in a worst-situated environment. I honestly thought the same way too. Every time people annoy me, they often receive tons of god-forbidden words that come out of my mouth. There is the insult, blame, and humiliation from head to toe. Honestly, I can’t count anymore how million times I have used the word “stupid” and “useless” to describe a person I know and not know. Do I feel for that? Unfortunately, I was not.
One piece of information about me is that I treat people harshly, but I am socially anxious. The irony here is that I can surround myself with few people, provided that I consider them below me. I was not too fond of the crowd because I always thought that I wouldn’t stand out when I was with many people. That even if I tend to show some talent and all that stuff, I would still become part of the average ones. And that is one thing I can’t live with. As much as possible, I want to be the best, and the only thing I can do to make it possible is to stay away from people who are more talented, unique, beautiful, and intelligent more than me. Yes, that sounded pretty much the whole “you are insane” thing, and I get that often.
One of the factors that many people hate me is because they think I am overly entitled. I get to choose the people I want to spend time with, and I quickly dump those I don’t want to be around me anymore. I don’t feel guilty about it. I believe in every individual’s purpose. Thus, if having that person near me does not benefit me, he or she is useless and needs to get out of my life as soon as possible. Sorry about that, but I always picture myself having a mutual relationship with other people. And when I say mutual, benefits and sacrifices must go both ways. I don’t particularly appreciate compromising for other individual’s sake because I somehow get that feeling of possible betrayal.
Sense Of Depletion
I am an overly confident individual who always thinks about myself as highly competitive, charming, and intelligent. I somehow believe that those are the quality that some people like about me. However, I know I have unwanted attributes too. And sometimes, when people noticed that, it automatically hurts me deep within. And when I feel like they are avoiding me for being unreasonable, it makes me sad. Not just sad, but depressed. That is where I overthink stuff, and sometimes when I can’t handle the emotional pain anymore, I rely on isolation.
Having all of this unwanted behavior is something I thought was normal. But after realizing the things I did and listening to people’s experience of having me around, that is where I knew something wasn’t right. When I try to learn things about me, I discovered that I am mentally ill. I have a narcissistic personality disorder, which explains why I have anger issues, physically and emotionally abusive, socially anxious, and entitled, but get a sense of depletion.